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Hope – even in the darkness.

im-sorryI haven’t written a post on here for some time now.  It was a realization which came to me sometime during the wee small hours of the night last night/this morning.

The truth is that it appears that I had, without realizing it, been going through an episode where my mental health was not as good as I thought it was.

I don’t know about you, but that happens to me sometimes.  In my head, and as far as I am aware, I think that I am managing much better than I really am.

And then something happens and I realize that this has just not been the case.

Now depending on what has happened during that period, or more specifically, how much damage has been done during that period.  I either do my best to fix any damage and move on or – where the damage has been great – it sends me into another deeper episode of poor mental health.

And that is what happened this last time.

But thankfully I think I am at least coming out of that episode now and whilst I know my mind still isn’t ‘right’ so to speak.  And whilst writing posts like this is taking me way longer than it would normally take (and requiring far more corrections that normal), I am at least able to post again.

So I wanted to apologize for not having posted here for such a long time.

And I also wanted to share some good news and some hope for those who like me struggle with self-harming.

Even though I had obviously been going through a period of bad mental health and even though – on realizing this and that some damage had been done as a result of this – I am so grateful that in all this I haven’t, as far as I can tell, self-harmed.

That is not to say that the need or the urges haven’t been there.  In fact it was during and fighting the most recent compulsion to self-harm which made me realize that despite knowing that I had had them, I hadn’t responded to them how I normally would.

I am so encouraged by this!  And I wanted to share it with you as a way of sharing that there is hope.

Thankfully, I have had a lot of support lately – even and especially whist going through this latest bad episodes and I am sure that this has helped.

I think that this whole realization and indeed the thought processes surrounding my self-harming came as a result of my watching a movie yesterday and a song which was featured in that movie.  It is not a song (or artist) which I was aware off, until now, and it really spoke to me when I heard it.

So I thought I would look for it on YouTube and share it with you.  The song is “Breathe Me” and the artist is called ‘Sia’.  I hope it speaks to you as it spoke to me.

🙂

 

 

 

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Yey! An Award!

I am so very grateful to receive a Reader Appreciation Award for this blog from my blogging buddy Cate over at Infinite Sadness or what?

I really appreciate Cate and her writing and so to receive a reward from her is always a blessing.

According to the rules, and yes there are rules  I now have to…

  • List something you’ve been up to lately.
  • Nominate 6 other blogs.

And so in response to those rules here are my responses..

Something I have been up to lately.

Well I have been trying to adopt a much healthier lifestyle.  I had an extremely bleak report from my last visit to the hospital and so drastic action was needed.  The drastic action in question being the new healthier lifestyle and more importantly trying to substitute constructive, positive and healthy responses in  situations where I would normally revert to destructive, negative and unhealthy responses.

Nominate 6 other Blogs.

Well first I have to clarify that Cate’s Blog ‘Infinite Sadness or what?‘ would automatically be one of the 6 but since I know Cate already has this award I won’t include it in my 6 this time.  (Whenever folk do that to me I always feel I then have to do the whole thing again lol)

So here are my six (in alphabetical order)…

…But She’s Crazy
Mathematically Confused
Not Quite Lost
Seasons Change , and Change
The bipolar place
Underground

All of those blogs are ones which, like Cate’s, I really appreciate and try to follow as much as possible.  I like them all for differing reasons but the one thing they all have in common is that they are real and sometimes raw!

I like those qualities and highly recommend those blogs to you.

So there you have it.  My response and I would like again to thank Cate for nominating this blog.

This is an excellent post which I think a lot of people should read

Infinite Sadness... or hope?

WARNING: This post addresses a disturbing issue and should
be read with caution.



“My head was full of wild ambitious urges to hurt myself. I tasted the ambrosia
of maddened impulse. I wanted my interior pain out in my body somehow.
I wanted this vague pain to be specific. That’s how I explain it.”

–Charles Baxter, The Feast of Love

While I’m talking about stigma, what about self harm?  Maybe you call it self-injury, self-mutilation, or maybe you don’t even dare to give it a name.  Whatever name you give it, there is huge stigma attached to it, which simply makes it harder to talk about so harder to help people address.

A news report in New Zealand last week said that up to half of all teenagers will harm themselves deliberately and the researchers claiming this are starting to ask why.  It made me think, because while I…

View original post 1,290 more words

This article comes from the Mental Health Writer’s Guild and demonstrates that we are by no means alone in our battle with this.

Mental Health Writers' Guild

My own personal battle with self-harming is no secret and something I have openly discussed here, on my personal blog, and also on ‘Reson8 Freedom‘ (a fairly new blog dedicated to this specific subject) and to helping others who battle with this.

Additionally through following the blogs of Guild Members I am also aware that several other members have or do battle  with this issue and so I thought I would share this article with you all.

NHS Choices – The UK’s National Health Service website – published an article stating that…

“Children bullied during their early years are up to three times more likely to self harm than their classmates,”1

This is it seems taken from a BBC News Report which is…

based on a study that assessed whether children were bullied at several points during childhood, as well as whether they had self-harmed in…

View original post 117 more words

Tag I’m it Too

Lulu over at As the Pendulum Swings just posted an item entitled ‘Tag I’m It!’ which is all part of the tagging game currently going around.  Wisely (IMHO) Lulu didn’t tag anyone but since the questions (just like Lulu’s answers) really  interested me I thought I would play along too.

And, seeing as I have already posted a couple of posts on my Voices of Glass blog and taking into consideration that some of my answers are very relevant to the subject of this blog, I thought I would answer them here.

So here are the same questions and but with my answers…

1. If you could go back and tell your younger self something. What age would you go back to and what would you say?

I have to say that I am feeling somewhat emotional right about now.  The truth is that I have already answered this in as much as some time ago now – back in November – I, (following the example Stephen Fry had previously set) wrote a letter to my younger self.

The letter was to a ten-year old me.  I chose that age because it was before somethings happened that should never have happened.  Hoping that by doing so I would help others understand me and also encourage others in their healing process, I published this letter on my Voices of Glass blog and letter that can be found here.

Re-reading it made me a little emotional but I do think it was a good thing to do and I do think this is a good question.

2. Favorite food.

Oh I have many favourite foods.  Melted cheese on a plate being eaten with a fork along with some bread and real butter being one of them and Indian Curries being another.

3. When did you start your blog? Why? And has the purpose changed as time has?

I think I started this blog as recently as the beginning of February.  Having been open about my mental health and indeed having sometimes mentioned my history with self-harming on my main blog, I thought I would start this blog which is specifically targeted at the subject of self-harming.

As for the purpose changing, not it is still too young but I am not sure it ever will change.  But I do hope that the content will develop further.

4. What do you think your best character trait is?

Oh Lord, I am so not good at this kind of thing.  You may have noticed I have a real problem with looking for positives in myself.  But I would hope that I am right in saying my best character trait is how loving I am.  Which confuses me even in my saying it.

5. What do you think is your worst character trait?

Indecisiveness. not wait not that, or perhaps it is.  Could it be?  No wait its…  LOL sorry I couldn’t resist.  Ok I will be serious.  Being over critical of and too negative about myself.

6. What is the last thing you read?

The continuous answer to that is my Bible since I am always reading that.  But in terms of books it would be a book called, ‘The trouble with Alex’ by Melanie Allen.  I am still reading it.

7. Hero?

I also don’t have heroes.  Very few people actually impress me enough to even come close to hero status in this world.  I respect and admire certain character traits, achievements, attitudes etc., but have never really found anyone who has enough of any of them to rank as a hero.  Sorry.

8. How much time do you spend on the internet in an average day?

Far too many.  Possibly between 8 and 12 hours or more a day.  But to qualify that, I do design websites, plus I write several blogs and I also use the internet to keep in contact with my family.  A lot of the time when I am ‘on the internet’ I am chatting with family whilst working or writing a book or something.

9. If you had to chose only one social issue to fight for what would it be?

Intolerance.  I just can’t tolerate intolerance.  (That was meant to be a joke)  But yes intolerance or indifference would be the one I would choose as it speaks into so many of the other issues.  Additionally it speaks so much into how we see and treat ourselves sometimes.

10. If you could live anywhere, where and why?

With my adopted family in Pennsylvania.  I have dreamt of that for so very long now.

11. If you could chose to have the power to read people’s minds/know their thoughts, would you choose to? It’s not something you could turn on or off, you have it or don’t. Why?

Not in a million years would I want to be telepathic!  I have enough trouble dealing with all the thoughts and voices in my own head without hearing everyone elses.  Additionally, given my paranoia and the deep nagging belief that people don’t really like me, I would simply hate to know that my fears are justified on that score.

Likewise I find very few people understand me and to be constantly reminded of that fact by actually knowing their thoughts would be horrendous.

Tell Me About Yourself Award! – So blessed.

Well today Carla from Seasons Change, and change very kindly nominated this blog for a ‘‘Tell Me About Yourself’ Award.

I have to tell you that I am so very blessed that this blog has been nominated, not least of all because of this blog’s relative infancy.

According to the rules of the award I, in accepting the award, have to now…

Thank the person that nominated me first and link the blog to that person before you start.  (Which I have done above)

Then I have to tell the world 7 things  we might find interesting about myself.

Then I have to add my 7 nominees.

~oOo~

So having already complied with the first, here then is my adherence to the second and third parts of those rules…

7 things you might find interesting

  1. I have numerous favorite films but possible the top one among them has for a very long time now been a film called ‘Kes’.
  2. Many moons back I was homeless living on the streets and it was one of the happiest times of my life.
  3. I am a recovering drug addict.  My mental health issues, for the record, pre-date my drug usage and I have been clean now for some 27 years.
  4. As a child I both self-harmed and contemplated (and even attempted) suicide although most of this (apart from one or possibly two suicide attempts) I managed to keep hidden from my siblings and parents.
  5. I cannot recall a single time in my life when I have doubted the existence of God.
  6. Despite having been invited to study to become an ordained church minster on three separate occasions in my life I failed, for numerous reasons, to respond to those calls.
  7. One of the saddest things that I have experienced so far as a Christian is not my having to witness how people often live their lives different to the churches’ interpretation of God’s word but actually my having to witness how badly we as a church respond to that.

~oOo~

7 Nominees  (Alphabetically)

[Due to the nature of this blog it is perhaps worth my saying that my nomination of the following blogs is not intended in any way to imply that those blogs or bloggers have any link whatsoever with self-harming.  They are simply blogs which I truly enjoy reading and following and are nominated for that reason alone.]

Fibromy-Awesome

Flibbertigibbetsanonymous

If I Die Before I Sleep

Infinite Sadness or what?

In This Room

Jumbled Minds

Running Naked With Scissors

 

Ok so there you have it.  As I said I am extremely blessed by this award and I am honoured to be able to nominate the above blogs  also.